Anger in trials

In our small group, we have been reading through None Like Him by Jen Wilkin. This week the chapter was on the self-sufficiency of God and how He has need of no one. We, as humans, on the other hand, are completely dependent on Him for everything. This is a hard thing to hear, especially in America where individualism and independence are valued at idolatrous levels. I am certainly guilty of this too. I think I can do it all. I become frustrated and angry when I can’t accomplish my goals or desires. The following quote punched me in the face:

When we deny our need for God, self-sufficiency reveals itself in the following way:
Anger in trial. When difficulties force us to come face-to-face with our limits, we feel anger at our exposed need. We are unable to count our trials as joy (James 1:2), seeing them as a verdict on our weakness instead of an opportunity to learn reliance on God.

For the past several years, I have been constantly pushed to the limits of myself. Just when I think I have it figured out, and life is starting to smooth out, it feels like we get hit with another wave. Between medical diagnoses, changing behaviors, emergency surgeries, and raising teenagers, I have never felt as out of control as I have in the past five years. I was the guy who had it all planned out. I knew what my five, ten, and thirty-year plans were. Unfortunately, instead of embracing these trials and joyfully learning what God had for me in them, I’ve become angry. I am angry that my plans are being changed. Anger has welled up in me as I realize the life I had dreamed of is no longer going to be a reality. What should drive me to God and dependency on Him has been driving me away and further into a giant angry pity party for myself. My need for Him has been exposed.

I wish I had a simple and easy answer to fix all of this. But the hard truth is that the trials my family and I are currently facing aren’t going away any time soon. They may morph and change, but it will continue to be a constant struggle. I’m reminded of James 1:12:

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.

So where do I go from here if I’m supposed to be patiently enduring testing and trials? I think it starts by accepting my current situation and my limits. As much as I may want to control or fix this current reality, I can’t. I can’t go back in time to change things or see into the future to gain control. Instead, I need to place my trust in the One who doesn’t require my help. He alone is the all-powerful, self-sufficient One that has it all under His sovereign control. I begin to move forward knowing that He has a plan, and that plan will be for my good and His glory in the end.